I am really struggling with rage these past few days. I just don't know how to forgive my husband and my in laws. I guess part of me doesn't want to forgive them, because I feel like if I do, they will "get away" with everything they have done and not have to pay for it or own up to it some day. So most of the time, I try not to think about any of them so that I can move past it and let it all go, but somehow or another something comes up that brings all the pain to the surface again.
This time it's a wedding.
My sister-in-law got married a week ago. Normally a wedding is not an occasion that brings about feelings of rage; but you see, I found out about the wedding a few days later from my friend in Nairobi, a Hindu woman, whose daughter was invited because she is the step daughter of my cousin-in-law - which apparently is a more important relative to invite than the bride's brother's sons. Not that I have anything against my friend's daughter being invited, I just find it sad that my son's were left off the guest list. Yes, I know that they live here and probably wouldn't have been able to attend, but they still should have been invited the same way I am sure all other relatives living abroad were.
I dislike my in-laws for the way they have treated me, but I despise them for the way they have treated my sons - for the way they have erased them from their family so they could make way for my husband's illegitimate daughter and her useless mother who seems to have accomplished nothing since highschool except get pregnant out of wedlock, not once, but twice. Her first child is a 15 year old boy - I don't know who his father is.
From what I know, she never attended university and never worked for any extended period of time or in any sort of job worth mentioning. What she has done in the 17 years since she graduated highschool is gamble frequently enough to be known for having a gambling habit or problem, sit on her ass, and get pregnant by two different men, neither of whom were / are her husband, one of whom however was my husband at the time she slept first slept with him and unfortunately still is.
My husband likes to exaggerate and brag if there is anything at all that he thinks he can exaggerate or brag about, for example how "fair" his daughter is (whoop dee doo! forgive me for not being duly impressed) Now don't get me wrong, I don't think being white is better than being black, brown or tan. I don't think that possessing the ability to age and sunburn faster than other people is a great accomplishment (in fact I feel quite the opposite, and I prefer darker skin tones than my own), but being mixed race people (African and Indian )who are trying to pretend they are "pure" Punjabis, I realized not long into my marriage that being fair is a big deal for him and his family. Actually, let me correct that, being a fair skinned Indian is something to be proud of, but being a white person of European origin is something to be ashamed of. So, when he was crowing about his daughter's fairness, I knew he was boasting.
Anyway, whatever the case, the point is that he brags if he can, and when I asked him about his girlfriend, the most he could come up with was she has "worked a little bit" in her life time, and the way he audibly gulped and forced that admission out of his mouth told me a lot, namely that there isn't much to brag about as far as her accomplishments are concerned.
I suppose it seems as though I look down on her, and I suppose if I were to be honest I would have to admit that I do, as wrong as that may be, I just can't seem to help it. I am not inclined to like her anyway, all things considered, and I am even less inclined to do so after she casually informed me that my husband is "too busy" to talk to his sons so that is why he never calls them.
But what I am feeling right now, after hearing about this wedding, is partly due to the fact that it is stirring up lots of bad memories. You see, I found out about my sister in law's wedding almost the same exact way I found out about my husband's double life. The same friend's same daughter attended her father's engagement to my cousin-in -law a year ago and and, when telling her mother about it afterward, mentioned that my husband was there with his wife, which caught her mother's attention, since she knew that I am his wife and was fairly certain I was in Dubai at the time. So she asked her daughter "his wife? who do you mean?" to which her daughter replied with a shrug "I don't know, some big fat lady." My friend was then kind enough to tell me what she heard and what his cousin's mother (my children's great aunt) who live's here in Dubai was not kind enough to tell me - exactly how rotten my husband really is.
The news, though shocking and sickening, wasn't as surprising as it would have been if I had not already heard (from another Hindu girl who used to be his neighbor and whose sister is married to the brother in law of another of my husband's cousin) that her boyfriend had seen him out and about holding hands with "very fat muslim woman"(to quote him exactly) and shortly after that another rumor (from her sister's / his cousin's mother-in-law) that he had remarried and his wife had delivered a baby boy. When I first got wind of those stories, I called him and asked him about them, and he had denied them by mournfully stating in his best "poor lonely me" voice that he would never dream of marrying again and that he did not have a son, indignantly asking why I would believe the word of "troublemakers" and "gossips" such as his former neighbor and her sister and wondering out loud why people have nothing better to do than come up with such stories.
As soon as I heard what my friend's daughter reported, I knew it was true and that he had been lying. Aside from the fact that my daughter's friend and his former neighbor who do not know each other at all had both described this other woman as "very fat" (which seemed like more than coincidence), there was also no reason to doubt the word of my friend's 12 year old daughter who has no reason to lie or "make trouble." I then ambushed his Auntie here in Dubai with the news, and she denied up and down that she knew about it; she even swore, but I knew she was lying. How could she not know that her nephew attended her own daughter's engagement party with another woman everyone was calling his wife? I realized at that point that everyone that I had considered family and trusted had been lying to me all along.
Angry and hurt as hell, I confronted his cousin. Caught off guard, she caved, admitting everything, including the bit about the daughter and the added bonus, that he wasn't actually married to the woman in question but that they were just saying they were married so "the community wouldn't look down on them."
By the time I actually spoke to him about it, he had been warned by his family that I already knew everything. He was quite resentful, and his tone was oddly accusing, as if to say "how dare you find out that I am a cheating bastard and ask me to explain myself." He confirmed that they were not married and that he had no plans to marry again - a bit of information that he said in voice that seemed as if I was supposed to feel sorry for him. He told me his daughter was 5 months old and that she looks just like Salman. I told him that I found that highly unlikely considering that not only does she not have the same mother as Salman, but her mother and I are also of completely different races and Salman doesn't look exactly like him, and in fact has a lot of traits from my family. He completely ignored this and went on about how "fair" her mother is as if that was supposed to prove something, as if all fair skinned people are physically identical to each other.
His excuse for lying to me earlier, was that he had not in fact lied since he is not married and his child is not a son. I am sure God is impressed with his truthfulness.
So now here I am one year later, still married to someone who parades around in public with another woman who is not his wife and their daughter, who does not provide for me or his sons. All attempts to get a divorce so far have failed due to one legal technicality or another because we are in two different countries. From his side it would be easy enough, but he told me he doesn't have the money to pay the 2,000 dirhams ( about 600 US dollars) for court fees to process it. Meanwhile he bought a new car, and his girlfriend's facebook shows lovely picturees of them on an extended holiday at a hotel on the coast.
Oh, his sister married a Hindu man. This is the same girl who informed me on more than one occasion how it was such a disgrace that I am Christian and how ashamed the family is that I am Christian... Of course religion is only a consideration when the person is also the wrong race and not wealthy, so it seems that it doesn't actually matter at all. In fact they were also ashamed of his cousin marrying a poor half African Muslim Girl and another Cousin marrying a White revert. But they don't seem to have any problem with her marrying a Hindu or her cousins marrying Sikhs.
But her husband and her cousins husbands are RICH and "pure" Indians.
"No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon (wealth)."
It seems obvious which one they serve.