Friday, May 8, 2009

Ye cannot serve both God and Mammon

I am really struggling with rage these past few days. I just don't know how to forgive my husband and my in laws. I guess part of me doesn't want to forgive them, because I feel like if I do, they will "get away" with everything they have done and not have to pay for it or own up to it some day. So most of the time, I try not to think about any of them so that I can move past it and let it all go, but somehow or another something comes up that brings all the pain to the surface again.

This time it's a wedding.

My sister-in-law got married a week ago. Normally a wedding is not an occasion that brings about feelings of rage; but you see, I found out about the wedding a few days later from my friend in Nairobi, a Hindu woman, whose daughter was invited because she is the step daughter of my cousin-in-law - which apparently is a more important relative to invite than the bride's brother's sons. Not that I have anything against my friend's daughter being invited, I just find it sad that my son's were left off the guest list. Yes, I know that they live here and probably wouldn't have been able to attend, but they still should have been invited the same way I am sure all other relatives living abroad were.

I dislike my in-laws for the way they have treated me, but I despise them for the way they have treated my sons - for the way they have erased them from their family so they could make way for my husband's illegitimate daughter and her useless mother who seems to have accomplished nothing since highschool except get pregnant out of wedlock, not once, but twice. Her first child is a 15 year old boy - I don't know who his father is.

From what I know, she never attended university and never worked for any extended period of time or in any sort of job worth mentioning. What she has done in the 17 years since she graduated highschool is gamble frequently enough to be known for having a gambling habit or problem, sit on her ass, and get pregnant by two different men, neither of whom were / are her husband, one of whom however was my husband at the time she slept first slept with him and unfortunately still is.

My husband likes to exaggerate and brag if there is anything at all that he thinks he can exaggerate or brag about, for example how "fair" his daughter is (whoop dee doo! forgive me for not being duly impressed) Now don't get me wrong, I don't think being white is better than being black, brown or tan. I don't think that possessing the ability to age and sunburn faster than other people is a great accomplishment (in fact I feel quite the opposite, and I prefer darker skin tones than my own), but being mixed race people (African and Indian )who are trying to pretend they are "pure" Punjabis, I realized not long into my marriage that being fair is a big deal for him and his family. Actually, let me correct that, being a fair skinned Indian is something to be proud of, but being a white person of European origin is something to be ashamed of. So, when he was crowing about his daughter's fairness, I knew he was boasting.

Anyway, whatever the case, the point is that he brags if he can, and when I asked him about his girlfriend, the most he could come up with was she has "worked a little bit" in her life time, and the way he audibly gulped and forced that admission out of his mouth told me a lot, namely that there isn't much to brag about as far as her accomplishments are concerned.

I suppose it seems as though I look down on her, and I suppose if I were to be honest I would have to admit that I do, as wrong as that may be, I just can't seem to help it. I am not inclined to like her anyway, all things considered, and I am even less inclined to do so after she casually informed me that my husband is "too busy" to talk to his sons so that is why he never calls them.

But what I am feeling right now, after hearing about this wedding, is partly due to the fact that it is stirring up lots of bad memories. You see, I found out about my sister in law's wedding almost the same exact way I found out about my husband's double life. The same friend's same daughter attended her father's engagement to my cousin-in -law a year ago and and, when telling her mother about it afterward, mentioned that my husband was there with his wife, which caught her mother's attention, since she knew that I am his wife and was fairly certain I was in Dubai at the time. So she asked her daughter "his wife? who do you mean?" to which her daughter replied with a shrug "I don't know, some big fat lady." My friend was then kind enough to tell me what she heard and what his cousin's mother (my children's great aunt) who live's here in Dubai was not kind enough to tell me - exactly how rotten my husband really is.

The news, though shocking and sickening, wasn't as surprising as it would have been if I had not already heard (from another Hindu girl who used to be his neighbor and whose sister is married to the brother in law of another of my husband's cousin) that her boyfriend had seen him out and about holding hands with "very fat muslim woman"(to quote him exactly) and shortly after that another rumor (from her sister's / his cousin's mother-in-law) that he had remarried and his wife had delivered a baby boy. When I first got wind of those stories, I called him and asked him about them, and he had denied them by mournfully stating in his best "poor lonely me" voice that he would never dream of marrying again and that he did not have a son, indignantly asking why I would believe the word of "troublemakers" and "gossips" such as his former neighbor and her sister and wondering out loud why people have nothing better to do than come up with such stories.

As soon as I heard what my friend's daughter reported, I knew it was true and that he had been lying. Aside from the fact that my daughter's friend and his former neighbor who do not know each other at all had both described this other woman as "very fat" (which seemed like more than coincidence), there was also no reason to doubt the word of my friend's 12 year old daughter who has no reason to lie or "make trouble." I then ambushed his Auntie here in Dubai with the news, and she denied up and down that she knew about it; she even swore, but I knew she was lying. How could she not know that her nephew attended her own daughter's engagement party with another woman everyone was calling his wife? I realized at that point that everyone that I had considered family and trusted had been lying to me all along.

Angry and hurt as hell, I confronted his cousin. Caught off guard, she caved, admitting everything, including the bit about the daughter and the added bonus, that he wasn't actually married to the woman in question but that they were just saying they were married so "the community wouldn't look down on them."

By the time I actually spoke to him about it, he had been warned by his family that I already knew everything. He was quite resentful, and his tone was oddly accusing, as if to say "how dare you find out that I am a cheating bastard and ask me to explain myself." He confirmed that they were not married and that he had no plans to marry again - a bit of information that he said in voice that seemed as if I was supposed to feel sorry for him. He told me his daughter was 5 months old and that she looks just like Salman. I told him that I found that highly unlikely considering that not only does she not have the same mother as Salman, but her mother and I are also of completely different races and Salman doesn't look exactly like him, and in fact has a lot of traits from my family. He completely ignored this and went on about how "fair" her mother is as if that was supposed to prove something, as if all fair skinned people are physically identical to each other.

His excuse for lying to me earlier, was that he had not in fact lied since he is not married and his child is not a son. I am sure God is impressed with his truthfulness.

So now here I am one year later, still married to someone who parades around in public with another woman who is not his wife and their daughter, who does not provide for me or his sons. All attempts to get a divorce so far have failed due to one legal technicality or another because we are in two different countries. From his side it would be easy enough, but he told me he doesn't have the money to pay the 2,000 dirhams ( about 600 US dollars) for court fees to process it. Meanwhile he bought a new car, and his girlfriend's facebook shows lovely picturees of them on an extended holiday at a hotel on the coast.

Oh, his sister married a Hindu man. This is the same girl who informed me on more than one occasion how it was such a disgrace that I am Christian and how ashamed the family is that I am Christian... Of course religion is only a consideration when the person is also the wrong race and not wealthy, so it seems that it doesn't actually matter at all. In fact they were also ashamed of his cousin marrying a poor half African Muslim Girl and another Cousin marrying a White revert. But they don't seem to have any problem with her marrying a Hindu or her cousins marrying Sikhs.

But her husband and her cousins husbands are RICH and "pure" Indians.

"No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon (wealth)."

It seems obvious which one they serve.


Puça said...

You’ll forgive, but when the time is right, don’t force yourself. You won’t even realize, but you’ll do. To forget, I believe a year is not enough, too recent he’s still messing around with things like court fees, not providing for kids…until is all over, all the reasons to remind him are still on. Hard times.

I have 3 things to say about what I’ve read.

First of all, about HIM. I do not know in which phase are you through right now, but with the time you’ll realize that, even with all the pain you’ve suffered and maybe still will, you are the winner of this situation.

He has changed you for another. OK. But seen from a positive point of view, you win. You do not have an unmoral, liar, unfaithful and immature husband. You’ve get rid of him, and he did it alone!

He does not provide for kids. How can a responsible man, not provide for his kids? I’ve never understood that. I mean kids from marriage or long relationships you’ve been involved shall be protected. Bought a car and went on holidays? In my country you can use facebook pictures as a life style proofs…

See what kind of woman he’s got now? Very different from you. That means you were far too good for him. Now he’s got an equal in moral, just wish them a looong life together, they deserve it!

And about her… she should take into account that the way she has obtained him, can be used for another woman to do the same to her. He is the real problem. I’d never hitch with a man able to do this, as he can do it again. And she should make sure he provides for your kids as she may be the next on the same situation.

About the race thing, I find that reason a stupidity. Your skin was what it was when you married. And not he, neither his family was blind. And you were a Christian, did not hide it. I’ve realized after different relationships, that what they like the most from you, with the time is used as the reason to leave yoi. So what does say about them? Can’t understand they give you the reasons they all were aware.


This family is not a family. This is not the kind of support a family should give. Even if its they son, and I understand they stand by him, things are what they are, and instead of deleting you from family, they should treat you nicely as you’re the mother of his kids, blood of their blood, and try to see them the maximum possible, or at least to make them feel part of the family.

Family differences, I understand them so well. My father’s family was, still is, rich (they all are but my father). His mother was rich but all went to his sister’s, and they got married to millionaires.So more difference with us. Why they behaved like this? Because he married a poor catalan. As they are ultra Spanish nationalist, they don’t forgive her for being catalan, and poor (so if you live like a poor, be poor, no heritage). Ohhh but years after my parents married, my ant married a catalan…. But he was mega rich, so he was accepted fast and become one of the favourite members of the family club. Once my grandma died, sisters made their life among them, without us, and since then we don’t know about my father’s family, as we’re not considered rich enough for this social club you’re supposed to enter by blood. The only member of his family we get along with is my Madrid’s cousin, and why? Because although she’s rich, she’s overall a person, and does not make differences for that.

Pure… yes, pure fake stupid people (sorry for the word).

Third, YOU

I’ve read your post and I see you’re a strong and intelligent woman, with a definite personality, that’s why I follow you. You’ll overcome this situation.

Maybe you should pay this cost to get rid of him. Tell the court is a loan, or better ask for one, if not it will seem you don’t need help as you can pay this biiig amount he can not. Get all the proofs.

He is still trying to demonstrate his power over you. He still controls, or that’s what he thinks.

Once you’ve done it or simoultaneously ask court to recover the amount from him. (get informed by a lawyer, I do not know laws there but there are a lot of things to do). Don’t give up and fight, for you and for your kids, even if it takes years. Breaking a family is not for free.

You have a life to live, and precious kids with you that will make worth all this pain you’re going through.

Puça said...

Desert Mister-y is from Saudi Arabia.

Ahavah said...

Suggest you put a blow up picture of your soon-to-be-ex on a pillow and then take a baseball bat to it, screaming and shouting also helps heaps ...

oh - better do this in

a) a quiet garage - with door shut and

b) when there are no children around

It's known in theorapy as 'anger management' plus it will make you feel heaps better....

... then you will find that you don't get mad and can step aside and let G-d GET EVEN....

Puça said...

He is 40 years old, and has always said he was single. I believe him just because I do not doubt of people's word.

Mind games...I'm not a good player at that, I'm pretty straightforward,so... maybe... he got really bored with me... ahhahaha

who knows...I don't really care about him anymore.

The only thing I can regret him is not being able to make a last call saying, look, this is going to be our last call due to...

That's all.

Lisa said...

Thank you for sharing the full story. I am sorry that you continue to wait in this holding pattern due to the separation of countries dearest one.

His girlfriend will never compare to you. She will go to her grave with absolutely nothing to be proud of, and you can bet that EVERYDAY she worries that what happened to you will happen to her. What happens when Miss Thang hits menopause and he gets bored out of his mind?

Let them have their Hindu spouse. You want to talk about problems. Boy, there will be World War III with those differences. It would have been much easier if she was Christian like you. Better they know now, then assume Grandma adores them.

Oh gosh I'm thinking about you Desert. I hope you are alright. Call me anytime if you want to talk! Love you endlessly.

They consider your kids to be Muggles. Not pure-bloods. The idiots. They will be doomed to history repeating when the Hindu gets knocked up. Let them feel this way. You don't want your boys to associate with this kind of evil.

desertmonsoon said...


Thanks for your post... and for not judging me for not being able to forgive him at this point in time.

About the family, I just don't get what they consider to be loyalty. I mean, if my brother is doing something wrong, I am not doing him a favor by covering his tracks, supporting him, and closing ranks around him against his wife and children. I would tell my brother off! My mom would never let any of my brothers get away with this behavior. I have seen her lecture them about being nicer to their wives / better husbands. In a situation like this, my mom would never exclude my sister in laws or her grand children. So I don't get them at all. I think they are sick and twisted and their excuse that my husband is "family" is bull since my children are family too and they are innocent.

Ahavah, do you know from experience it helps? :P. I know back when I found out about my husband's first infidelity I dented a lot of pots and pans and broke a couple of cell phones. By the way, thank you for the offer to send me the KJV. I tried to reply but at the time I saw it, my computer was acting up and not letting me post anything and then I forgot to go back and reply. I found mine the other day... and now seem to have lost it again - I am sure it is the maid now because I know where I left it this time. As far as sending one here goes, I am not sure if that is allowed or not - I would have to check.

Lisa, thanks for your message too.

You know I think about how my husband has deserted my boys, but he will regret it one day. You know, studies have shown that mixed race kids have higher IQs - my kids are three races and so far, from what I have observed, a lot brighter than their cousins and other less mixed relatives. Plus they have the advantage of being close with my family and seeing how people should behave and what the real priorities people should have are so I am confident that one day they will make me proud and he will regret having left them. Plus, they are his sons, they will carry his name forward not his daughter.

I know I was too good for him. I also know his GF is nothing special, just one of many losers he was screwing around with, she just happened to get pregnant. She's not pretty, smart, accomplished or particularly nice. But since her parents are Indian and they live in his home town, he couldn't just run off and leave her knocked up without losing face in the community that he so badly wants to accept him. I know for a fact he would not have acknowledged her in public if he hadn't got caught red handed by her getting pregnant. And STILL he hasn't married her, probably because he enjoys her feeling insecure. He will only do it after making the most of having the upper hand, making sure that she is sufficiently demoralized enough to take whatever crap being married to him entails.

Ahavah said...

ohh yes... I know from experience that this sort of activity helps...

I did wonder about the security issues re: the book offer but I am sure I know someone would know the safest way of posting this to you.

hummmm you already know my thoughts on your maid! lol!

The expression of anger is a very real and natural part of 'feelings' when you have been betrayed or let down by someone you loved. Its sort of like grieving for the loss of a loved one. For your part I am glad that you are able to find a vocal expression of the depth of your hurt at least.

You are an amazing lady - never lose sight of that and within you is the strength to survive this...

... and yes I have experience of this too...

big hug x

desertmonsoon said...

Actually this is a new maid - Ashari left - thought she could get better pay in the big city - which she didn't (of course) so she tried calling us up a while after leaving us in the lurch and begging for her job back, which we didn't give her, because though it took me a while we found someone else, and the new maid cooks, cleans much better and doesn't mind touching the dog and doesn't spend half of the day sleeping and the other half on the mobile phone with her various boyfriends like she did.

PM said...

I am not sure you will ever forgive him nor that you need to worry about it. He will be pretty tied up on Judgment Day and I suspect he will be having a LOT of things to atone for.

I have had a similar go-round with a dishonest Muslim man. Many men from this part of the world really do have it ingrained in them that they are entitled to multiple relationships -- either through polygyny or cheating. I do think you will be much better off in the long run; although I know it is to fresh to see that perhaps.

Take care of yourself and your kids,

Organica said...


I read through your entire blog and boy what a run! I am so sorry you are left to live like this rearing for your children in an Arab country. You are brave. I can't imagine having to juggle everything like that.

I assumed for some reason that your husband was a native Emirati man, but it seems he is of Indian origin. I thought it weird when you mentioned the hindu marriages from the female side. I doubt that would ever be in an option in an Arab culture?

This is all very sad!

DJ Hams said...

This is interesting. I am originally a Christian from the state of Goa in India. I came to the states and married a white person. In our family, first preference goes to a christian from Goa, then to any other Indian Christian, and then to a white Christian. It is a taboo to marry a hindu or worse yet..a muslim. I have had an aunt who married a Hindu and then she was disowned. Recently, he cheated on her and divorced her. The poor lady is now lonely.
My white wifes family has a similar preference too, where black people and latinos are voted lower than me.