Especially these days, now that I am all alone, I can't help but notice all the people around me - all the people who have someone who loves them and thinks they're special.
I don't know what that feels like, and sometimes I can't bear the thought that I will never know. Sometimes I feel I just don't want to go on in life anymore. My heart is like this big aching bleeding mass full of stabs wounds and holes left behind by people I loved who betrayed me or used me and didn't love me back.
I don't know what it is, but I am sure there is something inherently wrong with me.
I feel invisible, unlovable, untouchable.
I keep asking God to seal up my heart so I don't feel anything anymore, so I can't love or even like too much, so I don't want or need love. It's got to the point that I dread meeting anyone that I could like, because I know that if I get to know them more, inevitably, I will feel more and more but I will not be loved or even liked in return and it will hurt. I just want to want to be alone and not care, but that's not how God made me - I am some big joke or flawed design - a human being who craves love and affection more than others do, who has a lot of love and affection to give, but who has been made unlovable. I just don't understand why I even exist.
And because this is how I am - all I am is food for emotional vampires.