Sunday, September 11, 2011

Unlovable

That's how I feel.

Especially these days, now that I am all alone, I can't help but notice all the people around me - all the people who have someone who loves them and thinks they're special.

I don't know what that feels like, and sometimes I can't bear the thought that I will never know. Sometimes I feel I just don't want to go on in life anymore. My heart is like this big aching bleeding mass full of stabs wounds and holes left behind by people I loved who betrayed me or used me and didn't love me back.

I don't know what it is, but I am sure there is something inherently wrong with me.

I feel invisible, unlovable, untouchable.

I keep asking God to seal up my heart so I don't feel anything anymore, so I can't love or even like too much, so I don't want or need love. It's got to the point that I dread meeting anyone that I could like, because I know that if I get to know them more, inevitably, I will feel more and more but I will not be loved or even liked in return and it will hurt. I just want to want to be alone and not care, but that's not how God made me - I am some big joke or flawed design - a human being who craves love and affection more than others do, who has a lot of love and affection to give, but who has been made unlovable. I just don't understand why I even exist.

And because this is how I am - all I am is food for emotional vampires.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi, i was reading your post, and i felt a little sad cause i am sure there must be many people out there feeling the same way and we have no idea about. but don't give up, just know that all of us at some point have felt the same way, i personally have when i felt betrayed and i also felt unloved and undesreving, but those are tricks that our mind plays and other people's fault cause is not our fault when we are good and really deserving, so don't let your low point get you, cause is not the way you think, now i have somebody who loves me deeply and is a great person , so just don't feed this thoughts, ok?

Anonymous said...

My heart hurt for you after reading this post. I have read your blog over the past couple of years, and I have always admired your moxy and attitude. It suck that you have no one to shoulder this pain and take it away from you. I am not sure if it would make you feel better to know that you aren't the only one who is feeling this way, or has felt this way, at some point in their life.

There is nothing inherently wrong with you.

I know this probably sound simplistic, but I wish you could come back to the States. While it wouldn't solve all of your problems, it would add a great deal of distance to the big one. Peace.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
Why don't you come back to the States? I married an Arab, and he is a real jerk and loser. There are plenty of nice guys in the states. And your kids are Americans. Do you really want them to grow up to be like the Arabs you are surrounded by?
You don't sound unlovable at all. You sound articulate and interesting. Your only problem is that you put up with too much. That's your only problem!!! Come back to the people who love and support you, and understand you.

desertmonsoon said...

Anons...

thanks for your comments... they all made me feel better. I am doing a bit better now, though I do have my moments still.

Anonymous said...

I just happened to come across this post in a google search. I'm 32 years old and I have yet to ever feel a sense of belonging or of having someone in love with me. I want nothing more than to love and be loved, but I guess I was not meant to have that. I've been in love twice. The first time was with a man I had a 4 year on-again-off-again relationship with. We had been friends and he got me to agree to being more by pretending that I meant the world to him. I lived through 4 years of abuse only to be told that I treated him badly by leaving him to try and take care of myself. The second time is recent. An old friend came back around after his marriage broke up. He's a good man and he's trying to put his life back together and I just wanted to be the best friend I could and help him get through it. But we got closer and closer and I started falling for him. I knew he wouldn't be ready to be with anyone else for quite a while, but he seemed to love being with me and I was willing to give him as much time as he needed. Then he turned distant. Now I am the one who is always there for him if he needs anything, but he only has eyes for a friend of ours. She barely speaks to him and claims that she let him know she wanted nothing more than to be his friend. She's often moody and has kind of a bad temper. I'm the one making him laugh and feel cared for and not alone, but he looks right through me. People always look right through me. He asked me if I'd help him hunt online for the type of kitten that he wants to adopt. After spending a lot of time trying to help him, he tells me he wants to name the kitten after her. It feels as though no matter what I do, I will never be wanted or loved. I'm even considering going back to my abusive ex because I don't think I can do any better. I've lived my whole life feeling like I must be a mistake. How am I supposed to think otherwise when I have no evidence to tell me that I'm worth anything?